i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Vodka?
Forever.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
