Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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