Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
