I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
