I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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