don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
