Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
