at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm getting married
To pizza
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
