So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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