Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
