I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
