my phone needs a breathalizer
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
