sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
