Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
