About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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