Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
