Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
