I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
