Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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