dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
