Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
