mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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