New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
