Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
