neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
