Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
