i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
