that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I just sharted jello shots
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Two words: nipple clamps
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