A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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