Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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