So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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