I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
