Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
