too bad you live with your parents still
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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