i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
