so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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