i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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