she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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