I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
sarcasm needs its own font
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
They took my balls.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
