i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
