I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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