dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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