And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
