Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
