her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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