don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
We are two peas in an std pod
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
