Me. At least after what I've been through.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
