Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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