I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
