I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
