Just fell off a train. Bad.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
